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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25270750">When group chats lack discipline, the fault lies with their lord commander</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamGwenee/pseuds/TeamGwenee'>TeamGwenee</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Lannister Group Chat [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>A Song of Ice and Fire &amp; Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack, F/M, Fluff, Minor Mentions of Violence, Modern AU, chat room au</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 08:01:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,934</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25270750</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeamGwenee/pseuds/TeamGwenee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The Group Chat is all abuzz with plans for Tywin Lannister's sixtieth birthday party.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jaime Lannister/Brienne of Tarth, Ramsay Bolton &amp; Joffrey Lannister</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>The Lannister Group Chat [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1830853</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>110</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>When group chats lack discipline, the fault lies with their lord commander</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <strong>DragonqueenDan</strong>
  <em><strong>y</strong>@KeepWesterosFree</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Today a Meereenese Delegation is meeting the Prime Minister at the Red Keep. Meereen's Government has been persecuting refugees and allowing gross negligence of workers. Multiple members in high office have strong links to human trafficking. Our Prime Minister wishes to make a trade to deal with slavers! Join us today on the Sept of Baelor, and let your voice be heard!</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>#NotOurWesteros   #NoTradewithSlavers #KeepWesterosFree</em>
</p><p> </p><p>#</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: Tyrion, beloved brother, your elder brother is in mortal need. I am begging you to be here on time. I’ve spent an hour overseeing the set up of a three foot ice sculpture of a lion.</p><p> </p><p>Tyrion: The cab is on its way. Where’s Brienne? Can’t she play with you?</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: Brienne had to pull an extra shift at the shelter to cover for me. You know, she really does work so hard. Masha said that they couldn’t do without her for too long. Actually, she said they will miss me for the evening too.</p><p> </p><p>Tyrion: Oh Jaime, do you volunteer at the Crossroads Shelter for Homeless Youths? You really should have mentioned. </p><p> </p><p>Jaime: What’s that supposed to mean?</p><p> </p><p>Tyrion: Only that despite loving Brienne dearly, I will forever resent her for changing you from a bearable human being into a holier than thou, bleeding heart, do-gooder.</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: You really have a problem with Brienne encouraging me to give a bit back to others?</p><p> </p><p>Tyrion: First she makes you happy. Then she makes you nice.</p><p> </p><p>Tyrion: It’s like a poison.</p><p> </p><p>#</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: Everything alright at the Crossroads? Handling everything without me?</p><p> </p><p>Brienne: We’re muddling along. There was an incident earlier when Jeyne’s step dad turned up and demanded to see her. I went to send him away but he wouldn’t leave the premises. </p><p> </p><p>Jaime: Is everyone alright?</p><p> </p><p>Brienne: Everyone is fine, but it was a bit hairy for a moment. Literally. He brought his dog along. Biter it was called.</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: But you’re alright?</p><p> </p><p>Brienne: Nothing serious.</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: Define ‘Nothing serious’.</p><p> </p><p>Brienne: So have I got it right that Joffrey is doing the cooking?</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: Father is having caterers in, but Joffrey is doing the birthday cake. We could be in for a treat. You know, as long Joffrey doesn’t poison us.</p><p> </p><p>Brienne: That doesn’t sound like Joffrey.</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: I’m sorry?</p><p> </p><p>Brienne: Poison isn’t his style. Too clean. A razor hidden in the sponge is more up his street. So he can play roulette with whoever slices their throat from the inside.</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: You’re right. Bloodier. </p><p> </p><p>#</p><p>
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</p><p>Tyrion: I’m in the cab over to the airport now. Should be at Lannisport by six. Plenty of time to get to Casterly and change for Father’s big sixtieth birthday. </p><p> </p><p>Jaime: I was beginning to think that it was going to be like his fiftieth.</p><p> </p><p>Tyrion: I was only twelve minutes late.</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: Flat out drunk with a prostitute on each arm.</p><p> </p><p>Tyrion: Well, this time I will be stone cold sober.</p><p> </p><p>Tyrion: Can’t make any promises about the prostitutes mind you.</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: You do remember that Father had it written into his Will that if he dies from a; quote, ‘Tyrion induced heart-attack’, you are to be struck out, right?<br/><br/></p><p>Tyrion: Did it mention anything about non-heart Tyrion induced attacks?</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: Not that I recall.</p><p> </p><p>Tyrion: Excellent.</p><p>
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</p><p>#</p><p> </p><p>Mr Tywin Lannister: Kevan, you will be in charge of security. We are sure to be overwhelmed with minor celebrities, free range journalists, and paid assassins trying to gate crash.</p><p> </p><p>Kevan: Assassins?</p><p> </p><p>Mr Tywin Lannister: Large, inebriated crowds and low lighting. Prime time for a hit man to make their move.</p><p> </p><p>Kevan: Actually, that is a fair point.</p><p> </p><p>Mr Tywin Lannister: Genna, you are to oversee the arrival of the orchestra, and act as hostess for the evening.</p><p> </p><p>Genna: Don’t you want to be host Ty?</p><p> </p><p>Mr Tywin Lannister: It is my birthday. It is hardly a celebration for me if I have to spend the evening being gracious.</p><p> </p><p>Cersei: Daddy, why shouldn’t I be hostess? I am your daughter <em> and </em> your eldest child.<br/><br/></p><p> </p><p>Mr Tywin Lannister: Cersei, you have one job, and one job alone.</p><p> </p><p>Cersei: Yes father?</p><p> </p><p>Mr Tywin Lannister: Make sure your obtuse, dull-witted swine of a son doesn’t try to kill my party guests by placing a nest of fire ants into my birthday cake!</p><p> </p><p>Kevan: Give the boy some credit, Tywin. The boy has calmed down greatly since he enrolled on that bakery course. Dr Seaworth seems to have hit the mark when he suggested it would help Joffrey to channel his energy.</p><p> </p><p>Genna: Dr Seaworth is a miracle worker. Two months ago I would never have supported giving Joffrey such unfettered access to knives and fire.</p><p> </p><p>Cersei: He’s even made a little friend!</p><p> </p><p>#</p><p> </p><p>Ramsay:  I’ve tried making a creme brulee three times now, but every time I do the custard curdles and I have to bin it.</p><p> </p><p>Joffrey: Half fill the basin with cold water. When it looks like the custard is starting to curdle, dip the base of the pan into the water and whisk vigorously. It will cool the custard.</p><p> </p><p>Ramsay: Oh you are a star!!</p><p> </p><p>&lt;Cersei has entered the chat&gt;</p><p>Cersei: Hello sweetling. What are you and your little friends talking about?</p><p> </p><p>Joffrey: Torture.</p><p> </p><p>Ramsay: Torture.</p><p> </p><p>Joffrey: I love the Brazen Bull. The victim is slowly roasted inside the metal, and their screams come out like the sound of a bull. Pure art.</p><p> </p><p>Ramsay: But I like the sound of screams. And you don’t get to see anything either. But with impaling, all you need is a long blunt staff and a bit of grease. If you do it right, the victim will take their time sliding down the pole and their death will be long and agonising.</p><p> </p><p>Cersei: Ok honey, you two have fun.</p><p> </p><p>Cersei: I favour burning myself, though.</p><p> </p><p>&lt;Cersei has left the chat&gt;<br/><br/></p><p>Joffrey: Phew, that was close. Now, you were going to tell me the secret recipe for your roulade?</p><p>
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</p><p>#</p><p>
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</p><p>Jaime: What do you mean you are still King’s Landing!?!</p><p> </p><p>Tyrion: Bloody streets are gridlocked. Barely five minutes away from the condo. </p><p> </p><p>Jaime: But your plane left half an hour ago.</p><p> </p><p>Tyrion: So I will miss the start of the party. It’s beyond my control. I am sure father will understand. He’s a reasonable man.</p><p> </p><p>Jaime:....</p><p> </p><p>Tyrion:....</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: Hah! Oh my God!!!! &gt;:D</p><p> </p><p>Tyrion: Literally choking!!!!! Tears, really.</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: LMFAO!!!!....Seriously though. Father is going to kill you.</p><p> </p><p>Tyrion: I know.</p><p> </p><p>#</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Myrcella: I am so <em> not </em>the type of girl who turns into a mess because of a bit of boy drama.</p><p> </p><p>Tommen: Hells no.</p><p> </p><p>Myrcella: In fact, that whole stereotype is a misogynistic trope used to further paint young women as silly, irrational creatures with frivolous tastes.</p><p> </p><p>Tommen: Sing it Sistah! </p><p> </p><p>Myrcella: That said, I am registering my dissatisfaction that Trystane broke up with me just a day before my Grandfather’s big sixtieth birthday party! Now I will have to go alone and everyone will look at me like I’m this poor pathetic loser who can’t get a date. </p><p> </p><p>Myrcella: He left his leather Crow's Eye jacket behind. I am seriously considering pulling an Elia Martell and livestream burning it, like she did with Rhaegar's Valyrian guitar.</p><p> </p><p>Joffrey: You on your period?</p><p> </p><p>Myrcella: Shove off Joffrey. You haven’t got a date either.</p><p> </p><p>Joffrey: I’m a Baratheon. You could say that I’m; puts on sunglasses, going <em> stag. </em></p><p> </p><p>Tommen: Ser Pounce is going to be my date! :) </p><p> </p><p>#</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: The party has started and Father is fuming. Where the hell are you?</p><p> </p><p>Tyrion: Still in traffic. The PM is signing a trade agreement with Mereen despite their human rights abuses, and Daenerys Tagaryen is holding a protest. I would consider getting out and just walking home, but the Gold Cloaks have been called and it’s getting rowdy. I’m not sure I would be safe outside the car.</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: You’re not safe inside the car if Father finds out you’re missing his birthday party.</p><p> </p><p>Tyrion: I’ve got to go. Arya Stark is banging on my window.</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: Arya is there?</p><p> </p><p>Tyrion: She’s handing me a leaflet on sweatshops in Mereen. Well...it will be something to read.</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: Fascinating, I’m sure. </p><p> </p><p>Tyrion: Did you know that in 2017 a workshop for the House of Loraq burnt down with three hundred workers inside, because the CEO cut corners on safety measures? Hizdahr zo Loraq was on his private island in the Summer Isles during the tragedy.</p><p> </p><p>#</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: Brienne, you said your shift will end at eight and it’s almost ten. Where are you?</p><p> </p><p>Brienne: Ok, I haven’t been completely honest with you. It’s nothing really, I just didn’t want to get you worried. Not when your dad is already driving you up the walls. Now don’t panic.</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: Panic? Why would I panic. I am completely rational at all times.</p><p> </p><p>Brienne: I’m in A&amp;E.</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: WTF Brienne!!! What happened. Are you alright how long have you been there!!???!</p><p> </p><p>Brienne: Since Jeyne’s step dad turned up. His bloody dog jumped up at me and got my cheek.</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: Seven Hells! Brienne, why didn’t you tell me?</p><p> </p><p>Brienne: I’m fine, really. Nothing a few stitches and a tetanus shot can’t fix.</p><p> </p><p>Brienne: And the doctors are pretty sure it won’t scar.</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: I am getting my keys. I’ll be there in twenty.</p><p> </p><p>Brienne: Aren’t you scared of your dad?</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: Not as much as I love you.</p><p> </p><p>#</p><p> </p><p>Tyrion: Uncle Kevan, I might need you to send me a lawyer. I may have been a little caught up in the riots and now I am facing charges for defacement of public property.</p><p> </p><p>Tyrion: And Gross Public Indecency.</p><p> </p><p>Tyrion: And Public Defecation.</p><p> </p><p>Kevan: Oh Tyrion. </p><p> </p><p>#</p><p> </p><p>Genna: I can see you scowling from the other side of the garden. Cheer up. It’s an excellent party. It completely leaves Ellyn Reyne’s fortieth in the dust.</p><p> </p><p>Mr Tywin Lannister: Tyrion and Brienne insulted me with their absences, then Jaime left without a word, and for some reason all my grandchildren are carrying around cats.</p><p> </p><p>Genna: The cats are their dates.</p><p> </p><p>Mr Tywin Lannister: What?!</p><p> </p><p>Genna: Tommen was already going to bring Ser Pounce, Trystane dumped Myrcella at the last minute so she’s taking Lady Whispers. Then Joffrey found out Sansa Stark was coming as Margaery Tyrell's date, and he wanted to make her jealous.</p><p> </p><p>Mr Tywin Lannister: My own blood…..</p><p> </p><p>Kevan: Is now a good time to mention Tyrion has been arrested?</p><p> </p><p>#</p><p> </p><p>Myrcella: The party was good. Joffrey’s cake was great. Nobody choked or anything!</p><p> </p><p>Tyrion: Now there’s a wonder.</p><p> </p><p>Myrcella: What about your night? What’s the damage?</p><p> </p><p>Tyrion: Four weeks community service, a black eye, and Daenerys Targaryen’s phone number. A successful night, by all counts.</p><p> </p><p>Myrcella: A black eye?</p><p> </p><p>Tyrion: Dany says it makes me look rugged.</p><p> </p><p>#</p><p><strong>DragonqueenDany</strong> <em>@KeepWesterosFree</em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Big thanks to everyone who has participated in today's massively successful protest. Roads were blocked, and the Prime Minister was barricaded in the Red Keep. The Meereenese Delegation was unable to leave the airport. Major triumphs today, but this is only the start. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Please donate to our bail fund, and follow us to hear of future action.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>#KeepWesterosFree</em>
</p><p> </p><p>#</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: Are you alright Wench? </p><p> </p><p>Brienne: I’m fine Jaime. I’ve only been in here five minutes.</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: Ok.</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: What about now?</p><p> </p><p>Brienne: I’m just brushing my teeth.</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: I am only being cautious. Making sure you’re not passed out on the bath mat. Like a loving boyfriend should be.</p><p> </p><p>Brienne: It’s not like I’ve lost pints of blood or got a concussion. I didn’t hit my head or anything.</p><p> </p><p>Jaime: So you <em> don’t </em> want me to help you in the shower?</p><p> </p><p>Brienne:.....</p><p> </p><p>Brienne: Well, those painkillers <em> are </em> pretty strong.</p><p>
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